The true cost of homemade mince pies

Cooking pastry requires quite a high oven temperature, so the first step in making your own mince pies is to clean the oven - if not, the smoke alarm will be heard far and wide so:

1. Buy comprehensive oven cleaning package £3.20. Put oven shelves in bag provided with the gunk and dump it on the bank overnight (please ensure you are moored in a remote area). Wipe remaining gunk all round oven wearing marigolds (preferably pink).
2. In the morning, whilst suffering a nose bleed and still wearing ancient PJs, re-apply the marigolds, stuff loo roll up your nose and take a jug of water out to rinse off the shelves in the bag. Wave to passing dog walker who, for some inexplicable reason breaks into a run. 
3. Regain warmth of boat and rinse out gunk in oven.
4. Send willing slave husband to nearest shop to buy mince pie tins £4.35.
5. Send willing slave husband back to shop with cake storage tins and return with pie tins £6.15.
6. Roll out shortcrust pastry £1.20
7. Remove cat from rolled out pastry.

   8. Apply pastry cutters (£2.99) to pastry only to find cutters are too small or tins are too big

   9. Do the best you can by rolling circle very thinly to make it bigger

 10. Fill with mincemeat (£1.20) wack on the top and bake in very clean oven

 11. Take first batch round to your mate on Yarwood. Batch test with a glass of sherry and a toast to    

       Christmas

True cost..................priceless